Recently I feel like I don't quite measure up to my ideas of adequacy or perfection.
I know, I know. We will never live up to the world's or even our own standards, but recently I’ve been hitting myself pretty hard. I set my bar pretty high, envying the Instagram moms who make their kids charcuterie boards and organic homemade food, always have their angels in matching attire, and their family pictures are perfect. It can hit a mama’s confidence pretty hard. It’s like being on a treadmill where you see the result, and you’re running but you never quite make it.
You see, I quit my job in May, took a break from volunteering in certain areas at church, didn't sign up for my usual triathlons this summer, and just overall felt myself “underperforming”. Since quitting my job, every day I wake up thinking that I still need to work enough to "earn" my time at home. My to-do list is never close to being finished. To remedy stepping down at work and church, I took on new things to fill my time inside my home. Even still, I am always in pursuit of being enough.
I am a stay-at-home mom. I work out most days of the week. I am constantly doing a list of chores, usually while entertaining my toddler, folding laundry, sifting cat litter, walking the dog, cleaning, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, and keeping everyone alive. I am a makeshift secretary making appointments, not to mention personal chef and gardener... Oh and I sometimes read my bible, but that’s been too far and few in between these days. The list goes on and on. But even so, I don’t feel like I can do enough to earn my keep. Something about not seeing my contribution in the bank account, makes me feel like I don’t deserve much of what I have. It’s that tangible reassurance that I need. That I am doing enough, being enough, am enough. If I finish the day exhausted, I feel like “Yes! I did it! I worked hard enough and made enough invisible money today!”. The few hours in the day when I may be able to watch some TV, read, or lie down, consume me with guilt and usually make me feel compelled to apologize for not staying busy enough that day. I look around and can still see the smudges on the floor, or the crumbs where my toddler decided to throw his lunch. It is an exhausting way to live.
My husband will tell you that I’m not always a great listener. I am a fixer. A problem solver! I will probably have an answer for you before you even finish speaking. I have felt compelled to make a greater effort to listen, especially to the Lord. I have had a hard time hearing Him for the vacuum roaring, and the sound of my feet running around like a chicken striving endlessly for a perfect home that will never come. Recently I did a bible study on hearing the voice of God, and it convicted me horribly. How can I hear him, if I never take the time to actually listen? I am too busy in the day and too tired at night! So I have been getting up early, pouring my coffee, and taking time in His word first thing in the morning in a very intentional way that I didn’t have much time for before with my job and activities. Sometimes this quiet time bites me in the butt when Jesus is really teaching me a lesson. A story in Luke 10 did just that in only five verses.
It begins with Jesus visiting the home of sisters Mary and Martha. I pictured Martha running around scrubbing floors, making a beautiful dinner, emptying the sink of dishes, fluffing pillows, and making her house immaculate for Jesus’ visit. When he stepped in the door, I bet she was primed and ready to give him a perfect evening of service. I thought, “This woman sounds like me!”. I always want to make sure my family needs nothing, and I will run myself ragged to make it happen. I like this Martha lady. I am sure our spirit animal is a chicken. While she was busting her tail, her sister was sitting. Sitting. Oooh, it would’ve made me mad too. She even complained to Jesus about it! She said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” (v40). He replied, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (v41-42). Wow. I could almost hear Jesus saying, “April, April, you are worried and upset over many things, but not what is important”. Thanks, Jesus. I know I am. Because what happens if I don’t do all these things? What will happen if my house is dirty? Or dinner isn’t made? How will I fill myself up, find satisfaction in my life, and make my family feel proud, relaxed, and taken care of?! What will happen if I don’t do it all?
I shared my feelings on a walk with a close friend and she had me look at my life with an alternative perspective to how I was feeling. I told her I was a quitter and I felt “not enough” even though my days were full. She said that this new season was a season of obedience. Obedience. Hm...Well, that was true. I quit my job and downsized my busy schedule because I felt like that was what God had asked me to do. The day I turned in my notice about not returning to work in the fall, I felt 100 pounds lift off my shoulders. Peace replaced it…but then I went and messed it all up by filling my day with stuff to make me feel like I still had a purpose. Inadequacy. Because I have never felt enough. The kids I helped at work. The number was never high enough. The temporary strategies and solutions I gave them at school. It still didn’t send them home to a better situation or a loving environment. I always doubted the difference I made, but I truly loved my students a lot. It was a hard job to walk away from.
So I started thinking: Did this season of obedience mean I needed to be “quiet and still”?
(Super not good at that either.. obviously)
Well, yeah it did. Not still in the sense of never leaving my couch and binging Netflix. (That would be just fine actually.) But still in my mind and my heart. Something that is not in my innate being to do. The reason Mary chose the better option in Luke wasn’t because she didn’t care about what her home looked like for Jesus or how he would be taken care of. She just wanted to take time with him. Sitting. Listening. Taking in the awe of his presence. Something I truly hadn’t been doing. I realized that God didn’t need me to do all this “stuff”, He just wanted me. The more I sit down at His feet, quietly, humbly, and attentively, the better I can be for myself and my family. I am more patient and loving. I can respond wiser and with discernment. I can be calm in a toddler tornado. I now start my day doing all that God really wanted me to do in the first place. Being with Him.
No, I haven’t snapped my fingers, and all of a sudden feel like I am enough. I wish it were that easy. I have to rewire myself every day telling myself that I am not enough, but I have enough with Jesus. He makes me enough. Martha wasn’t a bad host, she just lost sight of the most important thing: intimate, personal time with Jesus. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more time I have to hear the kind of woman He desires me to be. I cling to Him and His grace to fill the spaces inside of me that tell me I will never measure up. I don’t have to keep doing all the things to fill my cup. I have to let Jesus fill my cup. The amount of money I make, how many hours I volunteer at church, the perfect wife and mother I strive to be, will never fill me enough. Obviously, it’s leaving me exhausted! Those things are great but are incomparable to the FULLNESS of Jesus. The days when I go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, the next day still comes. The days when I didn’t clean all the things I wanted to but instead played with my baby, the next day still comes. On the days I decide to order in instead of making dinner, my husband still hugs me tight and tells me he loves me. I may be a lot like Martha, but Mary is the one I am striving for. She took the time for the truly important things. Sitting, listening, being quiet at the feet of Jesus. There I truly feel enough. So the Instagram moms can wait. For now, you’re just going to get Martha, Mary, and me.
“My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I love this so much!!!! God Bless you!